Sunday, October 29, 2006

Ton up! (As it 'appens!)

Jingle jangle jewellery! Sir Jim'll here! As it 'appens, it's Mick's one hundredth post! Urgherurgherurgh. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Now then, now then, now then, I, Sir James of Saville 'ave fixed it for young Michael to go back in time, as it 'appens, and pick out the best bits of previous posts. Urgherurgherurgh. This is the age of the train! Jingle jangle!
This is from his first post, as it 'appens, from way back in February:
"Yes, you guessed it, I am a comics nerd, but unlike most other comics nerds, I don't stink of piss and self-abuse. (Well, 85% of the time, anyway.) If you are also a comics nerd and are offended, I'm sorry, I do stink really, I'm just trying to sound all cool and that."
Now then, this is also from February, urgherurgherurgh:
"I should be on the Friends Reunited website, but I'm playing truant!"
Stoke Mandeville!Jingle Jangle! Young Michael went missing in March, as it 'appens! So, Sir Jim'll 'as fixed it for us to jump straight to April:
"Having a stalker might be fun if the stalker was interesting, but this fellow was about as much fun as Heimat."
Urgherurgherurgh! Women give you brain damage, as it 'appens. This next one is from May, the same month as Mick's birthday, as it 'appens:
" I'm the very slim, dapper, young-looking sex symbol in the middle. This was in the Birmingham Mail, my local paper, about a week ago. It could've been worse; I look nearly normal. My friend Mikey Ball (top right) had his full name printed, which gets him confused with a chubby chanteur who was in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and his photo makes him look like a sex case."
Now then, now then, a few days later, Mick posted this little gem:
"On the way to some grub, what appeared to be the last surviving archaeoptyryx shat on both shoulders of my coat."
Lovely, lovely, lovely. At the end of May, as it 'appens, jingle jingle, he posted this:
"There were a few explicit comic strips of WW having sex with various superheroes, and there was one of her getting raped by the Hulk, which may be morally and politically and legally wrong, I object to because Hulk is Marvel and Wonder Woman is DC! If Hulk was going to rape anyone, at least make it someone from his own universe!"
Urgherurgherurgherurgh! A bit naughty of young Michael to mention the subject of 'surprise sex', as it 'appens! I'm just glad the Duchess isn't here to hear it! Now then, now then, let's skip across to June, as it 'appens:
"Drawing old people moaning about their feet has really worn me out. Chore I hate: Sketching podiatrists!"
Couple of days later, this came in:
" Keep going, turn left. I did today, and there is a kind of pricing war going on. Firstly, there is Poundland, the first and most well known of the Pikey Paradises. As you can guess, everything in there costs £1. Round the corner is the "99p Store". Every item costs 99p! Stick your extortionate quid, Poundland! Everything here is ONE WHOLE PENNY CHEAPER! Around another corner, though, and I kid you not, is the"98p Chinese Store"! It's like a backwards auction."
Now then, now then, now then. Lovely, lovely. This next one is, as it'appens, jewellery jewellery, also from June:
"Yesterday, there was a sale of £10 million pounds worth of Princess Margaret's personal belongings, apparently to help pay Lord Linley's inheritance tax bill.Why didn't they just take the empties back?"
Urgherurgherurgh!! Now then, 'aving a pop at the Royal Family is not on, as it 'appens, they do a good job, God bless 'em. Not least since they made me 'Sir' Jim'll MBE. This next one is not nearly as republican:
"Remember Dustin Diamond? He was the waste of skin whose only talent was to talk in an annoying voice. "
This next one is from when the World Cup was on. Now then, now then, Sir James is not so keen on football. Gives you brain damage.Urgherurgherurgh. Wrestling's the game for me! Jingle Jangle! Stoke Mandeville!
"The thing that annoys me most, though, is those stupid call-centre microphones the panel insist on wearing. They don't have to! The second string on ITV4 don't wear them! You won't see the BBC crew wear those. Which is just as well because it would make Alan Hansen look more like Captain Scarlet than he does already."
Now then, we've finished with June, as it 'appens, so lets fast forward to July!
"It's like my mom used to say: 'Cheaters never prosper'. (Saying that though, she also used to tell us we were about to have 'shit with egg on' for tea, and Henry and Matthew Kelly were brothers, so I'd take a lot of what she says with a whole handful of salt.)"
Urgherurgherurgh! Showing disrespect towards his dear old mother! Now then, now then! If I said owt like that to my dear old lady, the Duchess, God rest her, as it 'appens, she'd confiscate me cigar! Jingle Jangle! Now then, this next 'highlight', and I use the word sarcastically, is also from July:
"Here in Birmingham, the local radio station, BRMB, stopped broadcasting for two minutes to join in the paying of respects for the victims of 7/7. Just before, though, they just happened to play Going Underground by The Jam!"
Stoke Mandeville! He's 'aving a go at us Disc Jockeys, now ! Wait 'til I tell DLT! Hairy cornflake, as it 'appens!! Needs his bottom smacked, as it 'appens!
This next one is also from the World Cup:
"Apparently, Theo Walcott has tested positive in a drug's test. They found traces of Calpol."
He's having a go at little kiddies now! If I see 'im, I'll have 'im in a Boston Crab, just like when I was a wrestler! Urgherurgherurgh!!!
Now then, now then, July was a busy month for young Mister Trimble's blog, as it 'appens, this next one being from that month also:
"Despite the prelim being written by your typical piss-smelling comics-nerd virgin whose knowledge of what a naked woman looks like is gleaned from Rob Liefeld's shitty drawings in X-Force, the ten books chosen make interesting reading."
Sir Jim'll has sympathy for young Mister Liefeld. Now then, it just so 'appens Sir James can't draw feet either. This Mister Trimble's giving me brain damage!
Now then, I've started this marathon, I might as well finish it. Jingle Jangle!This next one is also from July:
"While at Bristol Comic Expo last year with the comic Stuffed, I was sat behind a table drawing for a very nice, but mental Dutchman. While I was doing it, a middle-aged moustachioed man sat down next to me and starting drawing. He asked If he could borrow a rubber (eraser, if you're american-it's not that type of moustachioed middle-aged men story!) I didn't have one, so he borrowed it from someone else. It was Brian Bolland!"
Gaze into the fist of Sir Jim'll MBE!! Urgherurgherurgh!!This next one was written during the hot weather:
"I can't take my shirt off to cool down for health reasons. Other people will get sick if they see my pale chubby midriff."
Take my advice, young Michael. Wear a shell-suit. Very cool in hot weather, as it 'appens, and it's flame retardant! Now then, isn't 'retardant' another word for someone with Brain Damage? Urgherurgherurgh!! Let's jump to August now:
" Increasingly, these days, it is getting harder to buy comics in comics shops. It's even more difficult to buy what us bona-fide piss-smelling self-abusing comics nerds really want (besides a good bath): Back issues."
You see, the wearing of a light shellsuit stops you sweating and smelling, as it 'appens! Now then, seeing as you're a comics geek, I could lend you my suit that's got Superman all up the front of it. Lovely, lovely, lovely! Now then, is this Marathon anywhere near finished yet? Should've took the locomotive! Jingle Jangle Jewellery! This is the age of the train! Urgherurgherurgh! This came in a few days later:
"I was in there the other day whilst my better half was looking for a birthday gift for a colleague. While I was doing that obligatory 'man shopping' thing (ie. Huffing and moaning and saying 'Yeah, that's nice' to everything I was asked for my opinion of)"
Now then, now then! I told you, young Mister Trimble, all women except the Duchess, God rest her, give you brain damage. Anyway, the next excerpt is from another 'hot weather' type subject, ice cream, as it 'appens:
"The ice-cream man was called Clive and if you only had 10p, he would give you what was called 'froth'. You'd give him a bowl and he'd fill it with unwhipped creamy fluid that was either going to be ice-cream, or had been in its youth. Anyway, not only was Clive a purveyor of frozen ices, 99s and crushed nuts, he was the local loan-shark. So you'd stand there waiting your turn in the queue, behind a crying alcoholic asking to be 'let off' that week, as he'd pissed his giro up the wall. Very strange. "
Now then, Sir James of Saville can't stand ice cream, as it's temperature reminds me of the dead young flesh. Urgherurgherurgh!
Next up, also from August, as it 'appens:"Oh dear.I remember seeing this on 'Live And Kicking' and Andi "spell it with an 'I', it's wacky!"Peters saying how much he loved it. Having Andi "spell it with an 'I', it's wacky!" Peters liking anything is going to put me off that thing forever."
Stoke Mandeville! He's only knocking kiddies TV presenters! Urgherurgherurgh! Hardest job in the world, young man. You want to try getting kids to eat ice cream and jelly on a roller-coaster! Jingle Jangle! This next one concerns his artwork, as it 'appens:
"This is my latest creation. He is called the Arts Champion, and he goes around Birmingham unlocking Brummies' creative powers at bus stops. In my experience, most Brummies' creativeness at bus stops extends as far as writing 'VILLA KILL BCFC' or 'SHAZZA IS A SLUT' on the window in permanent marker, but never mind."
Lovely, lovely, lovely. I reckon all vandals have got brain damage. Spent too much time with women. Now then, now then, let's jump over to September:
"I had another go at that face recognition/celebrity lookalike thing I've seen on a few other blogs. I've used at least four different pictures, and it keeps coming up with the same result: Pete Fucking Doherty. He's got the same colour hair as me! That's all! He's probably only weighs about eight stone wringing wet! I'm at least two-stone overweight. I wear glasses, he doesn't. He has an up-and-down relationship with a stroppy cow, and I...err...well, you get the idea."
That young Mister Doherty would do well to just use drugs and kick young Miss Moss into touch. Less chance of brain damage. Jingle Jangle! This is also from the lovely month of September, as it 'appens:
"This Pope has said a silly thing which has upset people. I mean, before, he was just a nice, straightfoward, ultra-conservative homophobic ex-Nazi in a dress, but now he said all wars are unholy, I've gone off him."
Is no-one safe from this man's gob?! He's 'ad a go at the Royals, his dear old mum and now the Pope!Urgherurgherurgh!
Now then, let's see if it gets any better:"I was so full of urine my usual shy-bladder syndrome was disabled; Sing Hosanna! I could piss freely at the urinal! Whilst I was there, a man (well it was the Gents') was making really wet noises. My curiousity was piqued. I had to look. This man had a penis at least twice the length of mine ( so it must've been at least 20" long!) and instead of shaking it like the rest of us, he was spin drying his with a kind of helicopter-type motion. It was like he was trying to throw a grapple hook. But it was the sound that got me, it was like the wet, slapping noises a fish might make if it's flying against a wall."
Jingle jangle! In-depth descriptions of a stranger's personal private hospital (Stoke Mandeville) parts .Now then, now then! Jim will fix it for you to see a shrink! You've obviously got brain damage! Now then, now then, we're finally entering October:"He's had an ear infection for as long as I've known him (12 years) which sometimes results in a piccalilli-type substance running out of the side of his head. Once, while eating a kebab, a farmfoods one you have to warm up yourself, a bit of bone in it blocked his passages and was choking him. After lots of wet retching and sucking sounds, he regurgitated what he'd been eating into his hands, flicked out the offending piece of bone, and swallowed it all back down again. "
Lovely, lovely, lovely. That finally brings you up to date.We've finally crossed the finish line and got our foil blanket and Mars bar.Urgherurgherurgh! So young Michael's reached one hundred not out, as it 'appens! Let's hope, once his brain damage is cleared up by my good friends at Stoke Mandeville, his next hundred are in better taste! Jingle Jangle Jewellery!

8 comments:

Jemima said...

You are, without doubt, the funniest man called Mick that I know. Hurrah. It was a joy to revisit all these moments. Who knew that brain damage could be so amusing?

mick said...

There's Mick off Time Team. He's funny.
There's also Mick Miller, Mick Dundee, Mick Jagger and Mick Hucknall, who have, in their own little ways made me laugh.
Thanks for the compliments.

steve said...

did you copy and paste "urghegurgheurh" and "jingle jangle jewellery" or did you write it out every time?

good times and great oldies, well done.

mick said...

What do you mean? The real Sir Jimmy Saville MBE wrote this post!
Jingle jangle!
To answer your question,no,I was so wrapped up in copy and pasting old posts that I didn't want to mess it up by copying 'urgherurgherurgh' as well.

Thanks for the kind words.

IanDSharman said...

It's disturbing to see just how much you've degenerated over the past 100 posts... Keep up the good work!

mick said...

I was degenerate long before I started blogging.

I'm pissed off-I've just realised Ive completely missed out two of Jim'll's catchphrases; "How's about that then" and "Guys n'gals,guys n'gals".

Urgherurgherurgh!

bb said...

Can't believe you assembled all of that!
Can't believe I read it all!
Still - funny, though :-)
Congratulations on making it to the big 1-0-0!
(And 2795 hits and 88 profile views too. Yes, I'm finally convinced that profile view counter doesn't work...)

mick said...

I reckon the profile counter's got brain damage, as it 'appens.