Yesterday, I was on my way to get my children for the weekend, and on the way I was stopped by a BBC news reporter and a cameraman and asked my opinion on the day's burning issue: Apostrophes. Apparently, Birmingham City Council doesn't like Brummie place names having apostrophes in them, so places like Druid's Heath, King's Norton and King's Heath (where I live, and why I was asked my opinion, being a resident and all) will all lose their punctuation. Good to see they're not wasting my council tax on stupid schemes like better services, isn't it? Let's re-punctuate all the street signs instead. A much better use of resources.
However, directly across the road from where I was interviewed, an attempted armed robbery had taken place at a Nationwide building society, there were loads of police and the road was cordoned off. Surely that's a proper news story? Shouldn't the TV journalists be over there finding out what happened? Nope. Whether or not we keep apostrophes is far more important, apparently.
They did broadcast my response. On the BBC's regional news programme Midlands Today. My eldest daughter was doubly freaked out because her English teacher was also in the same feature. I was freaked out, too, by my big bloated unshaved pale face and my horrible voice. Surely I don't sound like that, do I?
I do?! Bloody hell.
Anyway, I don't approve of them removing the apostrophes. My response on the telly was something like 'removing the apostrophes just for the sake of making it easier to read is sorta like dumbing down'. I know, erudite, snappy and witty. I came across as a right bell-end.
Luckily, nobody 'phoned or texted me, so it looked like nobody I knew had seen it. Which was good, especially since I've been off work all week with a bad shoulder, 'phoning them up and telling them how crippled I am. Me appearing larger than life on the telly kinda makes me look a liar. And I'm not, my shoulder is royally fucked, I had to go and get my kids. But it looked like nobody had seen it anyway, so I was okay.
I thought I was, anyway. They broadcast it again, many times, today on BBC breakfast. and I'm getting texts and Facebook messages from all over the shop. My mate in Darlington saw it. So it was nationwide, then. The whole country saw what a bell-end I am. Fantastic. My colleagues have seen it. So I'm in shit at work, probably. Brilliant.
Damn you, Birmingham City Council! You and your diabolical schemes have ruined me!