I had a fairly eventful weekend, thanks for asking. I've been on the brink of death since Friday, when I had to leave work because of the debilitating illness known as 'manflu'. Standing in the pissing rain for what seemed like years whilst waiting for my youngest daughter to get out of her school didn't aid my recovery, either.
It was also my eldest daughter's thirteenth birthday last week, so, as a treat, I took her to Villa Park to watch us stuff Charlton Pathetic two-nil. On the way, a nasty soap-dodging bluenose bastard called us 'scum', probably because we were wearing claret and blue paraphernalia, which was lovely of him. The fucking germ. This was kind of balanced out about five minutes later when a bunch of Special Brew chugging paraffin lamps shouted 'Up The Villa!' at us. Oh, the joys of Birmingham city centre on matchdays!
At the match itself, something remarkable happened. As I'd gone to the match with my good friend Pete, there was beer drinking involved (well, I was poorly and had climbed up about six thousand, four hundred and seventy-eight stairs to get to the section of the ground we were sitting at, so I needed refreshment!) so at half-time my bladder was about the size of a baby elephant. So I went to relieve myself. I was so full of urine my usual shy-bladder syndrome was disabled; Sing Hosanna! I could piss freely at the urinal! Whilst I was there, a man (well it was the Gents') was making really wet noises. My curiousity was piqued. I had to look. This man had a penis at least twice the length of mine ( so it must've been at least 20" long!) and instead of shaking it like the rest of us, he was spin drying his with a kind of helicopter-type motion. It was like he was trying to throw a grapple hook. But it was the sound that got me, it was like the wet, slapping noises a fish might make if it's flying against a wall. Anyway, that's enough talking about a stranger's penis.
Another weird thing happened on the evening. Another friend of mine whose Birthday it is soon tried to tell me Moonraker was the best Bond movie! I had to verbally slap him down. That film has a pigeon doing a double-take in it! For fuck's sake.