What I did at the weekend, by Mick (aged 72)

I've had a fairly shit weekend. We got new workshirts on Friday. After being told they were to be navy blue, they arrived looking decidedly royal blue. Royal blue is a shit colour. It is the colour of Birmingham City Football Club. It gives licence to the soap-dodging bluenoses to take the piss out of me and my fellow Villa supporters. Still, I can take heart from the fact that my team goes from strength to strength, while their team is in worse shape than their manager's nose.
My supposedly better half buggered off to the big smoke on Saturday (and told me off for also having a big smoke when she got back.) leaving me with two children on a day when it was pissing it down with torrential precipitation, and subsequently stuck in the house, except to go out to get my other half's main birthday present, which weighed a fucking ton and totally bollocksed up my wanking spanners.
Also, I'm having trouble sleeping. Insomnia sucks big badger's bollocks. I feel like I've not had a good night's kip for about three millennia. My body clock has not been right since I started working regular night shifts about eight years ago. I did month on/month off twelve-hour night shifts (sometimes seven a week) for seven years. I've since given up doing night shifts to concentrate on my artwork (with my tongue sticking out, as is usual whenever I concentrate) but my sleep patterns have not righted themselves. I can only spend about an hour at a time asleep, so I keep waking up during the night, looking at the ceiling in the dark whilst mumbling 'Fucking Hell!' or some similar epithet. My brain doesn't want to shut off, it seems. This problem was made worse by my good lady, who is suffering from lurgey, and was snoring very loudly next to me. I know it's probably poetic justice for nights she's spent in similar fashion, but when you have to get some sleep urgently, listening to what sounds like someone drowning in quicksand makes you want to elbow them in the throat. I got up this morning at 5.25! Fucking hell! So mostly, I feel both run-down and pissed off and about forty years older than I am, thanks for asking.