Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Tramps-Elysées


About a year ago, the bus I used to catch home stopped virtually outside my place of employment. It doesn't anymore. It now stops about a ten-minute walk away, on the lovely road known as Digbeth High Street. Think of the Champs-Elysées, now imagine its polar opposite. You are now seeing how Digbeth is. The walk to the bus stop is, most of the time, dull, but every now and again, the traipse chucks up something shocking, like the time I saw a fight involving a broken bottle, and a man taking out his dentures in readiness for the punch-up. There's the woman who uses the same stop, but thankfully, catches a different bus, who carries around childish watercolours under her arm, and keeps asking other patrons of Travel West Midlands their opinions of her work. They're rubbish, but no-one wants to say so, as she is obviously mental.

I only bring all of this up (pardon the pun) because on Monday afternoon, I was trudging towards the bus-stop when I saw an elderly woman at another bus stop. Her head was down, and I thought she was inspecting her ankle, because it looked swollen and was covered in scabs and sores, and must've been giving her gyp. As I walked past her, though, she made a horrible wet retching noise and vomited onto the floor, narrowly missing my shoes. I could see now, that, she wasn't as old as I thought she was, and she was what's known locally as a 'pisshead'. Lovely. I'm sure they breed people who regularly drink in the afternoon in a tank somewhere. They seem to be a different species to everybody else.

When I finally got to my bus stop, I noticed that the phantom scribbler had struck again. Every now and then, the bus stop gets covered in racist graffiti by a kind of gonzo Jim Davidson. He sometimes lists all of the minorities he hates, with 'kill all' on top of the list. Nice. Well, on Monday, he put a speech bubble by one of the silhouettes on an EasyJet advert saying "I hate pakis". This was obvious, because they're included on the list on the reverse of this advertisement hoarding. I was standing by this when two Asian lads came past, read the graffiti, and shouted " You hate pakis? Well fuck your mother up the arse!"at me as they were walking past. This was probably because I was the only caucasian at the bus stop.

I shouted "I didn't fucking write it!!" back at them as they went, but they weren't interested in a debate.

Digbeth is a shithole, and if people come to Brum by National Express, it's the first thing they see of the city, as the bus station is there. (Like New St. Station, another shithole, is the first thing they see if they come by train) It's no wonder people think Birmingham is a dump. Thing is, Digbeth is the site of our annual St. Patrick's Day Parade, which is, apparently, the third biggest in the world, which brings in a lot of visitors, who would be far from impressed if they see the kind of shit I see every day. I believe there are plans to flatten it, and redevelop, and if that's true, the sooner the better. Let's hope they flatten the cunt who keeps writing on the bus stop as well.

8 comments:

DanProject76 said...

Maybe it is the real Jim Davidson doing it? It sounds like his material to me. He could have been inspired by that Banksy.

I have been to Birmingham once. I vomited like never before. Meh.

steve said...

yes i am unfortunately very familiar with the area as i went there for work, and then for the comic expo and some fucker nicked my hat. (which was retrieved thank the lord)

i also work in the stinktown area of bristol, where there is a posse of drunks and arseholes all with red faces and dirty coats. theres plenty all over the uk, and ive worked near most of them.

Becoming Amethyst said...

I take it Digbeth is an exception to your general persuasion of preferring the undeveloped parts of Birmingham? Unless of course racist graffiti can be classfied as 'development'.

Test card Mick is scaring me.

mick said...

Dan: I've also vomited many times in Brum (but never on the street at half past three in the afternoon. Not yet, anyway.). It's by far the best city to evacuate your stomach in.

Hello, Steve- long time, no see/comment! I'm glad you agree with me, I'm also glad you got your hat back. The tunneling effect Digbeth High St. has on the wind means it's a cruel place to be sans headgear.

BB: It's just the main High St. that I despise. I love some of the back streets and canals in the surrounding Digbeth area. If the test card is scaring you, you've not tuned your monitor in properly.

My word verication for this comment is 'mwckbych', which could be read as 'Mick Bitch', which is kind of apt.

Jemima said...

Flattening racists: yeah.

IanDSharman said...

I'm afraid that my main mental association with Birmingham is breaking down on the M25 at 1am on the way back...not fun...

Seriously, I has a great time at Brumcon, and I'm looking forward to coming back to Birmingham a few times this year.

mick said...

Sorry about the breakdown, but the M25 can't be blamed on Brum.

My main memory (besides meeting Dave Gibbons and buying him a pint)of Brumcon was being violently ill.

The convention is moving to Millennium Point this year, it's a much bigger venue and a lot closer to the city centre, so it should be a good convention.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticising all of Brum, it's my home town and I like the place, it's just that some of it needs a big enema.

Anonymous said...

"Come friendly bombs and fall" on ...Digbeth?

Nice blog, just found it (googling for 'Tramps Elysees' nonetheless) and love the wit. After your comment I noted my word verification an it is diolary - which sounds rather painful.

Keep it up...(4 years too late)