Sunday, June 01, 2008

Horse-faced Lies.

I have to get something off my chest. It's been bugging me for a while now. The other day, whilst at the cinema, I was watching the trailers. As you do. One was for Hancock, a Will Smith movie. Now, Will might be a good actor, but I reckon he'll just look stupid in the black coat and homburg, and he'll have to go some to get the timing right of the classic line: 'A Pint? That's very nearly an armful!' Who have they got to play Sid James? Will Ferrell?
That wasn't what was bothering me, though. The next trailer was for the Sex And The City movie. Aaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!! I'm sick of seeing ads for this film. I'm sick of hearing about it, and I'm sick of flicking past articles about it in newspapers and magazines. They go on about this movie like it's the Second Coming. It's not. It's just a film about a horsey-faced skeleton and her four ropey mates sitting around a table and talking about men's cocks.
Now, I'm not claiming to have seen a lot of the original TV show. I did see a few episodes, though (the reasons why escape me, now) and they were all basically the same. Shergar or one of her mates gets a new boyfriend, or has problems with an old one. One of their boyfriends has a weird sexual kink, which they all have a good laugh about in a coffee shop.(They are all supposed to be successful career women, yet they all have employers that don't mind them fucking off for three-hour lunches every day.) They all buy shoes. Desert Orchid wears something that makes her look bleedin' ridiculous, the old one has a sex scene, and Red Rum sums it all up in a voiceover at the end.
This is not the great leap forward for feminism it thinks it is. I'm not claiming to be an expert on feminism either, but I have had my ear bent by a few of them in my time. SATC claims it shows modern women and relationships as they really are, but it basically tells us all women are interested in is shopping for shoes and big cocks. I suppose some are, but not the ones I know. (Just as well, really, considering my knowledge of shoes begins and ends with Doctor Marten. Can't really say I have a massive cock, either!) Also, in the episodes I saw, the men in it were either perverted or just useless. Or both. I find this offensive. Every bloke they met had something weird about them sexually, be it foul-tasting semen, or a prediliction for analingus or calling someone a bitch when they reached climax. And the four gorgons all found it a big laugh to share this intimate info about their boyfriends with their mates in a restaurant. I'd hate to be on the next table to them, about to tuck into a chocolate mousse when Trigger starts banging on about rimming. Lovely.
Can you imagine the furore if there was a TV show about four blokes sitting around a table in a cafe talking about how their girlfriend's fanny tasted disgusting? It would be criticised for being sexist. And so it should. Also, it should be noted that the SATC movie is written and directed by a man. Girl Power!
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't get it because I have a 'Y' chromosome. Maybe women like being stereotyped as cock-hungry fashion victims on telly and films. Or maybe it's because I've (hopefully) got a bit of intelligence and see this shit for what it is.


jamie said...

if i were you,i'd settle for indy.
i had to endure many,many,many viewings,and often repeat viewings of S&TC for years,and then T went and bought the box set.

Andy Winter said...

A friend of mine just spent 700 quid on a hand bag. I blame the pernicious influence of Seabiscuit and her mates.

Mick said...

Jamie: I took my girls to see Indy, I liked it more the second time. How was your trip to Brum? Sorry I couldn't meet up, mate.

Andy: Seven Hundred Quid?! I personally cannot see how anyone can justify spending that on a poxy handbag! For that money, I'd want it to hover in front of me, carrying all my stuff for me! Not that I'd buy a handbag, you understand.

Madeley said...

I suppose the up side to knowing someone who spends £700 on a handbag is knowing at least one person who can never give you stick for forking out, and I'm picking out an example hypothetically and completely at random you understand, eighty quid for a transforming robot toy.

scribe said...

Am I allowed to follow you around and call you Brit-Jesus? 'Cause you just saved us all!!! And I'm not just saying that because I'm an American who prefers his beer cold and his TV assinine, either! I know I had a point, but I'll keep it inside and let you bask in your newfound divinity.

jamie said...

hi mick,we had a great time in brum,despite me not picking up some copies of septic isle to dump on an unsuspecting nostalgia and comics shop owner,or indeed the local FP.
we mainly hung around the broad street area,wandered up to the bullring a few times,and had saturday afternoon in the sun in a fairly nice park-apart from the emos and drunks-can't remeber where that was,but about ten minutes from the town hall,i think...
we went to see indy 4 at the electric but didn't fork out for sofas,maybe next time.
i like birmingham,but as i've only ever been twice,maybe that's why.

Mick said...

Madeley: 80 quid on a Transformer is nowhere near as bad as 700 quid on a handbag. Even better if the robot transformed into a handbag! What would the handbag/robot be called? Bumblebag?Claspatron? Hypothetically, of course, seeing as that was a totally random example. And this is coming from a bloke with a die-cast model batmobile collection.

Scribe: Thanks for that typicaly American understatement! Update: We've got cold beer here in Blighty these days too. Thanks for the nice words, though, and welcome to the fold, mate! saying that, though, I'm not Jesus. Jesus would be a bit more forgiving than I am.

Jamie: I don't think Nostalgia or FP would've been that accomodating, anyway. Especially now Nostalgia is part of Forbidden Planet International (Two different comics shop chains with the same name. Not confusing at all.) and therefore order all their stuff from Diamond.
That park sounds suspiciously like what's known locally as Pigeon Park. I've never been to the electric cinema, I need to check out what leg room their seats have. My choice of cinema these days depends entirely on whether I leave there with deep-vein thrombosis or not. Glad you liked it up here, sorry we couldn't meet up. I'm in anti-Brum mood today, mostly because I had to chase some little wankers off who had written on my front door. Bastards.

jamie said...

Just been to see SATC and loved it, which I was hoping I would. I had some concerns that it would turn into some pappy,flowerey american cheese but they stuck to what the series was about. Looks like you caught some classic episodes from the series (the funky spunk one is a favourite!) but SATC wasn't really about the sex it was about relationships and how girls manage to get to the good ones after wading through the twats out there. I can confidently say that for every one good bloke I met in my single days, I'd meet ten complete no-hopers and you do start to feel like there is no hope of ever meeting anyone normal - I never met anyone who had funky spunk or asked me for rimming thank the lord! Anyway, SATC is still a favourite and SJP may have a horsy face but you could always put a bag over her head. This is Theresa btw 'hi everyone', Jamie hasn't turned and he does secretly like SATC because he always used to laugh at it - he likes to think he's one of the ones with the big cocks ha ha

Mick said...

I thought for a second that Jamie had got on the other bus! (Not that that's a bad thing, obviously. Well, it might be for Jamie's boyfriend.)
Anyway, hi Theresa! Good to hear from you. I'm glad you liked the movie, anyway. Still not convinced me into going to see it, though. Funnily enough. If, as you say, I saw the best episodes and I still don't like it, then I think it's never going to be my kind of thing.

Anyway, here's some related links, if anyone's interested:
A deleted scene from the movie that illustrates my point.

SJP fan website. Interesting.