Wednesday, July 19, 2006


It's too hot. I'm dripping like a fucked fridge. I'm like a grizzly with a migraine who can't find the nurofen on "normal" summer days, so you can imagine what I'm like today, the hottest one on record. I'm kind of like the Hulk mixed with Modern Toss' Barney. If this carries on, I'll be just a pink puddle by the end of the week.
My day job generally consists of standing by very hot metal things all day, so today was less than pleasant. I have to keep doing Tom Jones-style hip wriggles, to loosen the testicles that are welded to the inside of my leg. I have to put up with colleagues who do that blowing-out-of-cheeks thing, before they tell me that it's hot. I KNOW IT'S FUCKING HOT! SEE THIS FLUID ON MY FOREHEAD?
The company I work for have sort of heard of air-conditioning, but they think of it as something from the future; an impossible dream from the age of bacofoil jumpsuits, personal jetpacks and meal pills.
Also, getting the bus home is about as much fun as french kissing a particularly pungent parrafin-lamp. I reckon the EU should do something about the conditions humans are transported around in. If I was a veal being moved around in cramped conditions in a container that was hotter than 90 degress fahrenheit, people would protest about it. (Yeah, I know veal is calf-meat. I'm being hot!)
I can't take my shirt off to cool down for health reasons. Other people will get sick if they see my pale chubby midriff.
The most annoying thing about hot weather for me, though, is the fact that my nose gets sweaty. Being a spectacle wearer (I wasn't born that way; years of self-abuse finally took their toll {told you I was a comics nerd}, so I started wearing them all the time when I was about twenty-four), this means that my glasses keep sliding down my face. So I have to keep pushing them up, Chris Reeve-Clark Kent style. The lenses keep getting grubby because of my sweaty fingers, so I have to keep cleaning the fucking things. I hate being a four-eyed bastard. I think I should try contacts. I picked up a contact magazine the other day, to gauge consumers' opinions on wearing contacts, but it didn't help, it was just pictures of greying chubby men with their cocks out. I can get that just by looking in the mirror after a bath! I'm not certain about contact lenses, so I need your opinions. I'll post two pictures, one with specs, the other one without, and I want you to tell me which one is better. Cheers. No, scratch that, apparently Blogger's too hot to do any work and won't upload any bleeding pictures. Maybe tomorrow. Oh no, it's working again now, so here goes:
With specs. (halfway down my nose, as usual.)

Without specs.


Drew said...

Sounds strangely like my office. We have an air conditioner, but it the cheapest piece of plastic sold at a bargin electronics store. I think it is rated to cool the space of hatbox. My boss keeps saying that if we strategically place fans, it will make all the difference. Maybe if the fans are placed to bring air in from another building.

mick said...

Hi Drew. Welcome. I've just had a look at your blog and found out that you live in L.A! I thought you'd be used to the heat! But hot's hot, I suppose, wherever you live.
I live in Birmingham, England, which is pissing down with rain thirty-five weeks of the year, so whenever we do get a heatwave, we stop functioning as human beings and turn into sweaty swamp creatures. It's just not natural.

Clive_Evil_C said...

I'd say with Specs, you look too much like that guy who isn't Daniel Craig without specs, you wouldn't want to get mistaken for that guy who isn't Daniel Craig now would you?

mick said...

Generally, I always look like a bloke who doesn't look like Daniel Craig.

Jemima said...

How come you change from ghostwhite to Marbella tangerine when you remove your specs?