Saturday, August 12, 2006


I am at a total loose end. My better half is out this evening. My kids are asleep. I have done every pressing art job I had, to clear the decks ready for the mammoth 20-page plus script that is supposed to be imminent. I tried watching the telly. It's shit. I tried the PS2. I'm shit at it. The computer version of Aston Villa are just as shit as the real one! I'm currently listening to the radio. That's shit as well. (Kerrang FM, if you're interested. If you like the Chilis, the Foos or The Killers, it's great. I don't.) I was going to take a picture of myself in a toilet, as that appears to be a new fad amongst some., but my other half took the camera, and you don't really want to see what I do in a toilet. I tried to think of something amusing to blog about, but I can't.
So I thought I'd ask some questions that bother me, to see if my five readers out in Blog-land could answer them.
1) Why do you never see brand-new ice cream vans ? They're always battered wrecks (it might be just here in Birmingham that it is the case.) Where do you buy ice-cream vans from anyway?
Actually, this reminds me of the ice-cream van that used to serve the street I used to live on in the peaceful, leafy vale of Perry Common, Erdington. The ice-cream man was called Clive and if you only had 10p, he would give you what was called 'froth'. You'd give him a bowl and he'd fill it with unwhipped creamy fluid that was either going to be ice-cream, or had been in its youth. Anyway, not only was Clive a purveyor of frozen ices, 99s and crushed nuts, he was the local loan-shark. So you'd stand there waiting your turn in the queue, behind a crying alcoholic asking to be 'let off' that week, as he'd pissed his giro up the wall. Very strange. But I digress.
2) Why do you never see baby pigeons? Are they hatched as adults? We have a 'pigeon park' here in Brum, where thousands of the lice-infested shit-machines congregate. Every time I've been there, I've never seen a baby one.
Digression time again, though not entirely unrelated: Today I spent an afternoon in Cannon Hill Park, where there seemed to be a violent bout of stomach illness going through the local goose population. Their shite isn't like other birdshit. It's not just a white mess, they produce what can only be called turds. These turds look like miniature pints of Guinness, black with a white top. It was everywhere.
3) Who is responsible for the pile of bollocks that is How do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? I bet Graham Norton spends every day regretting the day he signed that contract with the Beeb. At least he isn't Kate Thornton. I watched it today for ten minutes. I'll never get those six hundred whole seconds back again.

Anyway, I'm going to pack up now. I'm bored of this now. It's shit.


Jemima said...

Pigeon park is also full of emos. Maybe they are the infant form of the adult pigeon.

jonni said...

She's got a point - emo kids do seem to love congregating in parks, either that or trying to forcew their way through to the punk music rack in Spillers, when there's already a large crowd of people watching and enjoying the amazing William Elliot Whitmore...

I digress, since when was Saturday night telly any good anyway? Oh yeah, since Dr Who came back on.

steve said...

ice cream vans are from scarborough. i saw a programme about it. some ice cream men also used to sell cans of stella and single fags- it was a seedy industry and the mafia have now taken over all their rackets.

there are no baby pigeons because pigeons never die.

youre right -"...maria?" is the most obnoxious pile of shit ive ever seen- i'm surprised ITV didnt think of it first

DanProject76 said...

Graham Norton is 'The BBC Gay' and therefore they have to keep giving him shitty gay-wise formats to work with, involving dancing, musicals and anything with people dressed like big girls' blouses. He used to be a stand-up comedian. I feel a little bit sorry for him.

But I have not forgiven him for the 'technical fault' that interrupted 'Rose' on BBC1 and I never will!

jonni said...

You know, there's that whole conspiracy theory thing about that 'technical fault' right?

mick said...

JvS: Emos are the baby form of emus, wandering around lost since the death of their ginger fuhrer, Rod Hull.
Jonni: Saturdays nights used to be great! Generation Game, Tarby, Dempsey and Makepeace...oh. I see your point. Also, fill me in on this conspiracy theory with Graham Norton. I know nothing.
Steve: Now I know, if you want an ice cream van, go to Scarborough. But it doesn't answer the question of why they're all rusted heaps of shit. That they sell single fags and cans of lager to children explains why they are outside of schools even when it's pissing down.
Dan: Surely there is more than one 'BBC Gay'?

jonni said...

Basically, the theory is that the BBC purposefully interrupted the first ever broadcast of their brand new Dr Who series to stop everyone who was recording the episode from pirateing it all over the place.

(Depsite the fact it was gonna be repeated on BBC3, and like it would have made musch difference.)

Now I'm thinking of Dr Who teaming up with and/or fighting pirates.

Jemima said...

Harkness vs Sparrow. That'd be some piratey sci fi fun.

mick said...

Apparently, the Patrick Troughton Doctor took on 'The Space Pirates'. The wonders of Google! Dr. Who against some proper 'Yaaaargh! Me Hearties!!' type pirates would be good. Maybe Tom Baker could reprise his role from BlackadderII: 'You have a WOMAN'S bosom!'