At a total loss as to what to write about for my next post, I decided to do this meme I've seen on the lovely Jemima's blog. It took far longer than it needed to.
1. A cuddler?
I'd like to think so, but I'm sometimes hard to get close to, because of two factors: one- When I'm in a mood, I hate my physical space being invaded. and two- My fat gut stops anyone getting their arms all the way around me. I also think that, whilst cuddling can be nice, someone who's clingy can be a real pain in the arse.
2. A morning person?
I have to wake up at six every morning to go to a shit job where I hate at least 78.5% of my colleagues. I just want to go in, sit down for a bit, drink my coffee and read my paper without being bothered. But then you get some inconsiderate wanker come up and ask "How's the family, Mick?" and they get upset when you reply "Fuck off!" So, no, I'm not a morning person.
3. A perfectionist?
I think I am to a certain extent. With my comic art, I do get supremely furious if I can't get it right,and my figures all look like they've escaped from an institution for help with physical abnormalities but when there's a deadline looming, you kind of have to let it go at some point. I do take pride in my work, even when I'm at my shitty day job, but not to the point where I'm losing sleep if something's not quite right.
4. An only child?
No. I have two brothers and, much later, after the three of us had all but grown up, a half sister. I've always liked the fact that I have two brothers. We look out for each other, which was helpful during the horrible childhood we all had.
I'm from an Irish family. My Granddad's a left-footer. My Dad was baptised, but he's a seriously lapsed Catholic, and brought me up to have a healthy distrust of all religion. I'm a prolapsed Catholic, you can stick it back up your arse.
6. In your pyjamas?
I'm fully dressed now, but I hate wearing anything in bed. I might keep my boxers on if I'm staying at someone else's house.
7. Currently suffering from a broken heart?
It's probably the only thing in or on my body that's not aching at the moment!
8. Okay styling other people's hair?
While I was at school, I worked at my uncle's barber shop for five years, sweeping up and making the customers tea or coffee, and washing their hair, if they wanted it. Seeing as most of the clientele were from the leafy borough of Castle Vale, they very rarely wanted it. I don't think I could trust myself with sharp implements near people's ears.
9. Left handed?
10. Addicted to MySpace?
All the other comics artists I know have one. I keep meaning to get myself one, but I can't be arsed at the moment. And Rupert Murdoch is the Antichrist.
11. Shy around the opposite gender?
For a long time, whilst a teenager, I was extremely shy around girls, and make up for it by pulling their hair and running away. Not really. I'm kind of stand-offish around most people-whether they have a vagina or not!
I have my moments.Mostly involving alcohol and/or football. I relieve a lot of my boredom at work by shouting "What a fucking row! " at the radio.
12. Bite your nails?
Not really. I have really, really long nails for a boy.
13. Get paranoid at times?
Who told you that? Is that what they're all saying about me?
14. Currently regret something that you have said/done?
I'm always regretting something. Things I've said in anger, or things I've done whilst inebriated which were inappropriate. I also regret buying a canary yellow Ben Sherman shirt in a sale that I've worn only once. I also regret starting these questions.
15. Curse frequently when you get mad?
Are you fucking joking? I curse frequently when I'm calm. When I'm angry, there are whole strings of swearwords with no real words in between spewing from my blue lips!
16. Enjoy country music?
In this country, our country music is the Wurzels. OohArrr!! I think C&W music is as valid as any other artform, but generally, it does nothing for me.
17. Enjoy jazz music?
No. Whenever I listen to Jazz, it seems to be played by five blokes that have a vague memory of what the tune should be, and they're just pissing about until they all remember it exactly again.
18. Enjoy smoothies?
They're alright, but they are just a stamped on banana in a cup. A stamped banana in a cup you've paid two quid for.
19. Enjoy talking on the phone?
I absolutely fucking loathe talking on the phone. I'm so glad e-mails and text messages have been invented.
20. Have a lot to learn?
Absolutely. Life is one big lesson. I need to learn how to use a telephone.
21. Have a pet?
No. I hate cats, my partner hates dogs, so we're at a animal-based Mexican standoff.
22. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person?
Probably. Although I have been with her for fourteen years.
23. Have all your grandparents died?
No. My Nan and Granddad on my dad's side are both still with us. Just about.
24. Have at least one sibling?
I think this was answered in question 4.
25. Have been told that you are smart?
As a child, quite a lot. Then I went to Grammar School, and was told quite frequently that I wasn't. Now I work in a factory, they think you're an intellectual if you read the Mirror instead of the Sun. The fact I've got A-Levels and read books puts me up there with Stephen Hawking in the minds of the Cro-Magnons I work with.
26. Have had a broken bone?
I broke the ulna in my right arm when I was about nine or ten. I broke the ulna and bent the radius. I did it by falling over a bench in a park at highspeed. I went home crying with a forearm shaped like a U-bend. It's probably the most painful thing I've ever endured.
27. Have caller id on your phone?
No, I have caller ego and caller super-ego.
28. Changed a diaper?
Many times. I'm a father of two. I think baby shit is the worst substance known to man. It's smell is still lingering around here at least eight years later. People who don't know us come to our house, take one sniff and ask "You have kids, don't you?"
29. Changed a lot over the past year?
Not as much as I should've done.
30. Had friends who have never seen your natural hair colour?
Friends? What are them, then? I've never, ever dyed my hair, so everyone who has met me has seen my natural hair colour. Just look at people's eyebrows-that tells you their natural colour.
31. Had surgery?
Never. I was present at both my children's caesarean births, which doesn't really count.
32. Killed anyone?
What a dumb fucking question. If I had, am I likely to say yes? Go on then, it's a fair cop, I am Jack The Ripper. I feel so much better for getting that off my chest.
I've killed loads in my comic strips, and once, a strip I'd written and drawn concerning a man fantasising about murdering his wife got me into a lot of trouble.
33. Had a haircut in the last week?
No, but I really need one. I look like Worzel Gummidge.
LAST PERSON WHO:
34. Slept in the bed beside you?
My wonderful better half, who I don't deserve.
35. Saw you cry?
36. Went to the movies with you?
The missus and kids. We went to see Pirates Of The Caribbean 2. We liked it.
37. Went to the mall with?
My eldest daughter. We were meeting people there before we went to a football match.
38. You went to dinner with?
The missus and kids again. We went for a curry. It was great. I'm going for a meal next week with some relatively famous and some relatively unfamous comics artists at a bloody vegetarian restaurant. I will NOT eat tofu.
39. You talked to on the phone?
It was probably my Mother-In-Law. She didn't want to talk to me.
40. Said "I love you" to you and meant it?
See question 34.
41. Broke your heart?
I don't think it's happened. There are lots of girls who have pissed me off, though.
42. Made you laugh?
My family always make me laugh. They're kind of funny-looking.
Only joking! I think the fact we're always laughing together has kept us relatively solid for the last fourteen years.
WOULD YOU RATHER
43. Pierce your nose or tongue?
I'm not really that keen on any kind of piercing. If I had to choose though, it'd be my nose. I'm not letting any fucker near my gob with sharp tools.
44. Be serious or be funny?
Funny. I do have my serious moments, but don't like them very much.
45. Drink whole or skim milk?
I'd rather drink whole milk, but we buy semi-skimmed. Skimmed milk is just white water.
46. Die in a fire or drown?
Whatever's quickest. If I'm burned to death, my surviving family save money on my cremation!
47. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
I'm not Batman. I don't really have enemies. At least he doesn't have to put up with his parents.
48. What time is it?
It's about quarter past Chico time.
I don't really have any. 'Mick', I suppose. My brothers call me 'Mickey', which I hate nearly as much as being called 'Mike' , which I seriously detest. At work I'm referred to as 'Big Mick' sometimes, because there's another Mick who's a bit smaller.
50. Where were you born?
I was born In Good Hope Hospital, Sutton Coldfield.
51. What is your birthdate?
The twenty-second of May, nineteen seventy-four. I am now expecting a card from all of you on my next birthday.
52. What do you want?
I've been wondering about this my whole life. The Answer, I suppose.
53. Where do you want to live?
Not bothered. Anywhere nicer than where I am. The Lebanon, maybe?
54. How many kids do you want?
I'm extremely happy and proud of the two kids I've got, and I don't want any more, thanks. Like most blokes, I'd have liked a son, but it wasn't to be. I'm really looking forward to being a grandad one day. Far in the future.