Tuesday, November 21, 2006

"Hell is other people."

I've been suffering with the lurgey now for about three weeks. I thought I was over the worst at the weekend, but the bastard was lying low and ambushed me again this week. I feel lower than earthworm shit. I'm still fit enough for work (worse luck) so I've been traipsing to the living hell I call my job dying with man-flu. Not making it any better is a colleague of mine who has to be the biggest annoying bastard this side of Nick Owen. (Viewers not in the Midlands may remember him from his double act with Anne Diamond. Unfortunately for us unlucky Brummies he reads our local news on the Beeb, and tries to make it "fun" with his crappy puns. I wish Pamela Stephenson would show up again and shove that banana up his arse. I digress.)
This annoying colleague is a fat bastard. I'm not against overweight people (I'm one myself! It cost me the Bond gig!) but he is fat, and he is a bastard. He substitutes shouting for personality, he substitutes repetition for wit, and he substitutes repetition for wit. He likes bullying the temps, and grabbing other colleagues in bear hugs or half-nelsons. I won't stand for any of that shit. He's an arsehole. A fat sweaty, lazy gobshite whose father should have pulled out early. Because he can see I'm poorly, he's made a beeline for me this week, but I won't stand for it, and tell him to fuck off. He threatened to stab me, but that was because I accidentally-on-purpose sprayed silicone release spray in his fat face when he was bothering me on Monday. When he was aimlessly making annoying noises and shouting that same afternoon, I told him to "stick a pie in it" to which he threatened to knock me out. Ooooohh, I'm scared! He's like a fucking pelican ie. all beak. With a flapping bag attached. After our little contretemps I spent the afternoon whistling the Rocky theme at him. I'd like to see him try and knock me out, because a)He'd get the sack and b)he'd get my toecap right under his third chin. The fat cunt.
I feel better for getting that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

8 comments:

bb said...

Surely he can't be more irritating than Nick Owen, though?

steve said...

all local newsreaders do puns, or say things like "lets hope they do" or "i'm glad i'm not running the marathon" after every report. i like it.

mick said...

bb: Nick Owen doesn't say 'Ay!Ay!' before every sentence,talk complete bullshit nor does he irritate me for eight hours every day. Nick just bothers me for the half hour when I can't be bothered to switch over!

Steve: Brum is now selling itself as a major European city (although it clearly isn't) but our news is all about little farty things, like schools that have a high number of twins, or a swan that thinks the runway at BHX is a lake. We've probably got the highest amount of gun crime in the U.K., yet all the news can tell us is that someone 'phoned up the council about a rude neighbour and was told to fuck off. It's not just Nick Owen either, it's all of the presenters of our local news, both ITV and the Beeb. They're only doing local news because they can't get any decent gig. They want to realise that this is Birmingham! We don't do 'cheery' here.

IanDSharman said...

Suddenly I'm looking forward to three days in Brum next month a little less...

Jemima said...

There is no gun crime, not compared with Nottingham anyway. It's all lovely and that's why all the local news is about cake and knitting.

Last time I bought a local newspaper it had your bloody face in it, anyway.

mick said...

No, that was someone else who's had oral sex with a teacher.

DanProject76 said...

I am going to Birmingham in a few weeks. Crikey! At some Posh Holiday Inn for a corporate I.T Christmas do involving Jongleurs for some reason.

I may shit myself with excitement.

mick said...

Birmingham's alright really. I've lived here my whole life and I've only been shot twice. Only joking! The mad gunman missed! Only joking again.
Brum's got its shit bits, but doesn't everywhere? Don't worry Ian, I'll look after you.
Dan, our Holiday Inn is not posh. If it's the one on Broad St., it's a horrible 60's concrete monstrosity.Now I think about it, there's a hotel above Nostalgia and Comics which used to be called 'The Albany' but it's now a Holiday Inn. Dunno what that one's like.

P.S. There was no mad gunman.